How hard it is to be a single parent?

Do you have what it takes to be a single parent?

Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash

Introduction

 Parenting is a huge factor in raising your child. But what if you are a single parent? how can you be a great parent even if you are raising your child on your own?

In this article, we will give you some thoughts about my first-hand experience growing up in a broken family and being raised by a single mother. 

I will share with you the things that I’ve seen and learn from this experience. And hopefully, you will understand how difficult it is from a perspective of a child growing up in a broken family.  So that before you split up with your partner or spouse, please think it thoroughly and think 4 times or more before deciding.

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Difference between a widowed, legally separated, and a single parent

 First, let’s define what is a Widow/Widower, Legally Separated, and a Single Parent?

• Widow/widower – is a man or a woman who lost his/her spouse or partner by death and usually has not remarried
• Legally Separated – is a man or a wan who undergoes the legal process of separation from their spouses such as Divorce or Annulment.
• Single Parent – is a person who lives with a child or children and who does not have a spouse or live-in partner.

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Sad situations why some became a Single-Parent

In addition, there are some cases that some single parents were left by their partners due to unexpected pregnancies, some are from a separated relationship, some are left because of third parties.

It’s a sad truth that sometimes there are women who were fooled by their partners thinking that their partners are loyal and don’t have an existing relationship. 

But when they got pregnant they will find out that they are the mistress and that their partners cannot take responsibility for their child which leading them to be a single parent.

There are some cases of single-parent due to unexpected pregnancy, We can argue that these women are not at fault, think about it. Men can impregnate women not the other way around.

It saddens me that some irresponsible men just want to have some party and play around and once they impregnate a woman they will just leave the scene. 

And worse is that they will blame the woman for having sex with them etc. As if the woman decides to get pregnant. Which I highly disagree with. 

Because it always depends on the man if he wants to impregnate a woman. And it sucks that the reality there are a lot of irresponsible men out there who don’t have the balls to be man enough and take responsibility for their actions.

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Things you should consider doing as a single parent

Being a single parent is the most difficult task you could have ever done. Because you will be doing two tasks at the same time. And this is being a father and being a mother. 

We all know that our father and mother have different tasks and responsibilities. And being a single parent you will have to do both to balance the needs of your child.

That being said, here are some tips you should consider doing as a single parent.

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Make time to undergo psychiatric sessions. 

Most single parents experienced anxiety and depression. Because of the fear of what will happen to them and their children. It is traumatic that sometimes it can lead to alteration in their behavior and it can produce some disorders.

In my mother’s case, she had some psychiatry sessions after my father left us. She experienced depression because she felt that she failed because of what happened. 

Do you know the doctor’s statement in regards to her observation of my mother?

“Despite the unfortunate event and trauma that happened to her, she held onto her faith. Even if she is full of fear of the future for herself and her child, she keeps on praying for guidance and strength. She is a very strong mother.”

Making time to attend psychiatry consultations is always good for single parents. As it will help you establish a strong mental state. And you will understand the things you can do to improve and build yourself once again.

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Be true to yourself and your family

Another sad truth, that most families do not show any support to a single parent. There are some cases that some of them are being disowned by their parents, thinking that what happened to them is disgraceful to their family’s reputation.

But isn’t this the time to show how much we care for them as a family rather than disowning them? That is why despite this sad truth. We highly recommend that you should be true to yourself and your family.

You need to make your family realize that you are about to experience a challenge that nobody wants to happen. They must accept what happened and instead of adding fuel to fire, what they can do as “Good Parents” they should understand your situation. 

And help you get back on your feet and support you to the best they can, for you as their child and your child as their grandchild. Do not be afraid to tell your parents the truth, knowing the truth hurts but finding out the truth from a lie is even worse.

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Learn to explain the truth to your child gradually and teach them not to hate regardless of what happened

I am speaking based on my experience as a child who came from a broken family and was raised by a single parent. Because of my unanswered questions when I was still a kid. I ended up rebelling towards my mother because I am struggling to find out the truth.

And not knowing and understanding the truth of what really happened between my parents. Hence, I grew up hating my father. 

That is why it is important to tell your child the truth gradually. Because your child will not understand it all at once, but at least put some effort to explain the truth about what happened, DO NOT SUGAR COAT THE TRUTH.

If you think you made a mistake tell it, no sense in hiding it from your child because eventually, your child will learn about the truth. It will be much trouble if your child is struggling to understand and accept the truth because you did not lay out the truth to your child gradually.

Some single parents tend to hide the truth from their children. Because they fear that they will be judged by their children. However, I beg to disagree because I think that they will appreciate you more. After all, you are honest to them. Everyone hates a lie, even you. So why tell a lie if you can tell the truth.

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Teach your child the values to keep them on track and become a good person despite all the hardships stereotyping on being a single parent.

Stereotypes still exist even if we are already in the 20th century. And even if you are a single parent. A lot of people still giving some judgemental comments without even knowing the back story first.

In my experience growing up in a broken family, I made a promise to myself that no matter what I will do my best so that my child in the future will not experience the hardships that I’ve experienced from growing up in a broken family and the hardship of my mother raising me as a single-parent.

My ideals if I will be a parent based on what I learned from my mother

Hence, I will teach my child the values that I learned from my mother and teach it to them as a guide as they grow up, such as:

• Treat your partner with respect like how you respect me and your mom
• Listen to understand not to rebut
• Learn to listen and think first before you speak 
• In an argument always talk out with love
• When you are mad, better cool down first before you speak
• NEVER HURT your partner physically, and avoid verbally as much as possible

So far these are the values that I will teach to my child in the future. Though there are some things that I will need to add as they grow up. As a parent, we must make sure to adjust our parenting style according to the need of our child. Since all of them are unique. 

How about you? Have you tried thinking of the values that you want to instill in your child in the future? Let us know some in the comments below.

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Show support in everything your child doesand give them the freedom to make decisions

This is another thing that parents should do regardless of whether you are a single parent or not. Some single-parents tend to be “Authoritarian Parents” or some think of as the “Dictator Parents“. 

Because of their fear that their child might make wrong decisions in their lives which might end up in their situation. However, sometimes being an Authoritarian parent can lead to losing their closeness to their child. Since it affects the self-esteem and confidence of the child. 

Making them so much afraid of rules and they will get disappointed easily if they fail or make wrong decisions. Their consciousness will be caged in to just stick to what their parents say. Hence, they will not have the freedom to explore what life has to offer. Which is a world full of learnings.

According to parents.com as they define the Authoritarian Parenting Style.

“Authoritarian parents tend to be the most strict parents out there and the opposite of permissive parents. They tend to have lots of rules and regulations but they aren’t willing to engage in any discussion about the rules or even accept their children’s feedback or opinions about them. 

While this sounds harsh, most authoritarian parents mean well, and firmly believe their parenting style will produce children who are capable, well-rounded, high-achieving members of society.”

They continue to elaborate on the traits of an Authoritarian Parent…

• Tend to have an extensive list of rules they expect their children to follow, with no exemption.
• Take a “children should be seen and not heard” approach to parenting
• They give their children chores starting at a young age
• They are highly focused on their children’s safety
• Give firm consequences when rules are broken
• Sometimes use threats or punishments to keep kids inline

Children suppose to explore and learn from their explorations in life. However, sometimes even if the intention of the parent is pure. They tend to overdo it because of fear. 

If that happens you are locking down your child away from their personal growth and development. I remember this saying about sand.

“Loving someone is like holding sand in your palm, you close too much you will lose the sand. Holding it too wide will also resulting in a loss of sand.”

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Learn from your mistakes in the past and just focus on your and your child’s future

We make mistakes there is nothing wrong with that. That what makes us human. Because we have our free will to make decisions and do things according to our wants.

Though sometimes we make wrong decisions in our lives leading us to a certain point that we will experience difficulties. However, what is much important is we learn from those mistakes and teach everything we learn to the next generation. In that case, your child.

Some single parents still can’t let go of their past because of the trauma or guilt that they feel. However, we highly suggest instead of focusing on your self-pity. Instead, focus on your and your child’s future.

You are not alone in this world, even though you are a single parent. You have a child who will become your partner as you grow old. Therefore, better put your efforts and start building a better future for your child so that your child can still have a better life. 

You will feel a sense of fulfillment when the time comes and you will see how your child becomes successful in the future because of your efforts in building a bright future for him/her.

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Conclusions

Even though I grew up in a broken family. I am proud to say that my mother did her best to take care of me. Though I made mistakes in the past resulting to hurt my mother’s feelings.

I was able to make amends and correct all of my mistakes. I’ve seen how hard it is of being a single parent. During the times that I get sick. My mom is doing her best to take care of me and go to work at the same time.

She was able to manage to bring me to her workplace because there is nobody else who she can rely on to take care of me when she goes to work.

I remember, when I was to able graduate from college. I saw the tears of joy from my mother’s eyes. Even if it took me 11 years to finish my degree. Because I was struggling to find which course suits my interest and is perfect for me. I was able to make it. And I saw how proud she was of me.

We have our quarrels because we have opposite personalities. Sometimes we do not understand each other because she wanted me to do something which I do not want to do so. After all, I want to pursue a different path.

Maybe she is scared that I might fail and I know that it will hurt her feelings every time she sees me fail. But that is part of my journey. I cannot succeed if I don’t fail. 

Just like this quote from a known billionaire…

“Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes it’s built on catastrophe.” – Sumner Redstone

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/sumner_redstone_227812

Sumner Redstone Quotes. BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2021.

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/sumner_redstone_227812, accessed May 8, 2021.

 

She might not appreciate what I am pursuing right now because this is new to her and she doesn’t understand the whole picture of it. However, I know in my heart that what I am doing right and pursuing right now will always be for her.

I want to thank my mother for everything that she did for me, all her sacrifices, and efforts to keep me safe and eat delicious meals. 

And I am dedicating this article to her and to all Single-Parents..

I love you so much ma! You are such a warrior. You are always my inspiration even if you don’t see or feel it. I am doing this for you and Kath. And I will keep holding to my faith that what I am doing and pursuing right now will succeed in the future.

Happy mother’s day!